Tradition 5 – Some thoughts
I am a member of Al-Anon. We are here to help families of alcoholics and last week I was asked to share some thoughts on Tradition 5. These are those thoughts. Take what you like and leave the rest. If you want to know more about Al-Anon please call me. I will help.
Al-Anon Tradition 5: Each Al-Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics.
It is good to define ‘help’. I listen to Dave Ramsey and he says we have to define help. In his case it is usually about money and what to do to help someone who is struggling financially. Most of the time, it is best to not give them money just because they are struggling. He also says that it is not help to give a drunk a drink even if that is what he wants. When my sons were younger I always told them that if they got themselves into jail they could get themselves out. That was part of my definition of help back then. Today the definition includes getting them out if need be. Circumstances are different so a definition is important. This is ours. It has 3 parts.
Practicing the 12 steps of AA ourselves – we can’t help others if we are not healthy ourselves. The steps are a progression that gets us to a point of being healthy. It is a process and we do it over and over and we are never done with it. It is how we do life. As we get better we are able to really help someone else. Located in the panel above your head is an oxygen mask. If the mask drops down place it over your nose and mouth and breathe normally. If you need to help a small child or someone acting like a small child, place your own mask on first and then help the child. We have all heard that on an airplane and we understand it there. It is the same here. Help yourself first so you can then help others.
Encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives – This is the hard one. How can we do that?? Isn’t he the reason we are here? Wasn’t her drinking the real problem? This has to start with forgiveness. We have to forgive ourselves first for all the ‘help’ we gave the alcoholic that was not really help at all. Then we have to forgive the alcoholic and get to the place where we can realize that this is a disease. I have a confession to make. I struggle with the concept of ‘disease’ but I get the idea that they really can’t help it. Maybe this idea will help you. It helped me.
The best explanation I have heard is that they are now a pickle. They used to be a cucumber but now they’re a pickle and they will never be a cucumber again. Alcohol has changed them somehow and they really can’t help it anymore. There might have been a point where they could help it but that has past and we need to accept them for what they are. They are pickles but I really like pickles. Some pickles are favorites of mine and I love them.
Remember that forgiveness is about the past and it is about us, not them. No, they might not deserve forgiveness. Forgive them anyway. I am not suggesting that you trust them unless they earn the trust back. They might be trusted again if they get into a program and work it well but trust is about the future not the past. Forgiveness is more for you than it is for them. They don’t have to ask for forgiveness for you to give it to them. They don’t even need to know you are forgiving them for it to help you. It might be too late to forgive them in person for some of you but you need to forgive them anyway. Just forgive them and you start to get better and THEN you can start to love and encourage and your understanding will increase as you ask for wisdom and understanding from God.
Welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics – This is easier for me. Hurting people walk through these doors and we do our best to give them hope and comfort. I think this group does a great job of that and I know Susan and I have been comforted and helped beyond what my words can relay. Just keep on doing what you do. It is working.
OK, I’m done. That is what I had to bring today and I just want to open it up for discussion. Who’s first?? You can leave comments if you log in so have at it.